That first kiss

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That first kiss that defined the whole reason why humanity still has my hope some days, your lips over mine, your heart pounding in your chest like a dragon who has just been woken up, your sweet fingers in my waist, your breath pulling the air our of mine like if you owned it, your deep eyes completely lost in desire, and the whispers, we both knew, we both knew this type of kiss, could never be beaten, by anyone else. Never.

The whole person I became after is just inspired by the same type of passion, I crave to have this again, I crave this type of abandonment, this type of passion and entire trust on someone, I crave the day that I fall in love so hard for life that everything will make sense without any words.

Just exactly how everything made sense when you looked at me and grabbed my hand.

Some people believe in saints and gods, me, I believe in love, I believe in passion, I believe that any pain could disappear when I found you and you left me speechless cause I recognized you, love can transcend lives, centuries, can define a whole era of humanity, loving that way: is what makes the rest worth it.

For the road is definitely not easy, the apples are often rotten once you bite them, the skies are gray often, people keep dying of hunger, the flowers keep dying on empty vases of non caring souls, but that kiss, that first kiss, left even the stars without glow.

That moment made me wonder, made me wish, what if we ? what if we decided to dream? What if there was no limit to me and what i find beautiful, what if I could make love to life the way that we did it that unforgettable night?
What if the secret to happiness is to find someone as simple and truthful to himself as you were inside my own spirit. Your hands over mine, the underglow of the dawn, I remember the light in the sheets, you sleeping,

I felt somewhat forgiven, how could it be that I found you and I got to see exactly what a soulmate does, and how he does everything out of love, just like me, just exactly like me.

You kept saying you wanted to help, I know what you mean, I help every day, this is who I am, the one who helps. And yet seeing someone else do the work, someone else carry this so magnificently that it shone, so humble, yet so important.

This is it, we don't get a second chance you and I, nevertheless I will be forever touched by every second, by every lesson, by every moment you made me feel it all made sense.

I am then so happy, so so happy.

Erase it, erase it now

-Please erase it, please please erase it-

Je marchais dans les rues de Paris, et je répétais à voix haute

-Erase it, it will be erased- je répétais en anglais car pour moi c’est la langue des tripes.

Et aussi parce que je voulais pas que les francais me voient comme ca.

En quelque minutes ma marche a duré des heures, je me rappelle que mes chaussures qui étaient vieux on lâche et a la fin j’avais un trou.

Je  répétais sans cesse: -erase it, erase it, it's gonna disappear-, des fois je criais, des fois je murmurais à moi même . Ca doit être effacé, c’est qui s’est passé ne devrais pas s'être passe.

Avec mes chaussures trouées après quelques heures que suis rentre a un Decathlon, j'ai donc finalement arrete de repeter et j’ai gardé le silence:

Peux être si je venais aujourd'hui je pourrais faire comme si j'étais une cliente normale, une journée normale, une personne normale, qui est aimée, qui n’as pas vécu c’est que je venais de vivre, ils ne savaient pas, pour eux j'étais juste la fille joyeuse qui est venue acheter des tennis en couple, j'étais pas ceci, cette chose cassé d'aujourd'hui.

J’ai acheté de chaussures pour marcher des longues distances, j’ai comme decide de marcher jusqu'à effacer ce qui m’etait arrivee. Donc voilà c'était logique, j’allais me protéger mes pieds jusqu'à que je trouve comment effacer, comment revenir dans le temps.

J’ai paye 79.90 Euros pour mes chaussures, j'étais inquiète pour nos économies de couple, je ne dépensait jamais comme ca pour moi même toute seule, l’argent était pour notre avenir, pour nous, nous sommes de la famille..

Un bruit acide et aigui rempli mes oreilles, comme si j’avais entendu craquer quelque chose a l'intérieur de moi, de la famille. J’ai arrêté de respirer et j’ai senti comment mon corps tombait au sol, puis je me suis appuyé contre un mur. Le bruit devient plus aigu.

-Alors on va effacer- -I erase this, everything is gonna be alright, i will erase it, this will disappear, i erase, i erase this and it wil be all ok, i will erase it-

J’ai recommence ma marche, mes pieds me faisaient mal, j’avais mal, j’avais froid et le soleil c'était déjà couché, je continuais a marcher, je répétais et répétait religieusement, je croyais avoir le pouvoir, je croyais:

-on m’avait pas dit que si l’on souhaite suffisamment on peut avoir ce que l’on veut?-

Alors moi je veux ca, je ne veux pas ce qui c’est passé donc j’efface.

Pourtant ca faisait pas mal, ca faisait pas honte, c'était juste comme un trou ouvert en moi, comme si la vie m’avait été pris de mes mais, et jeté à la poubelle. Je n'étais pas étrangère à la douleur, mais ca c’etais pas de la douleur.. -it wil be erased, i erase it, i erase this- ca c’etait plus grand que moi, plus sévère que la tristesse, plus horrible que le pire de mes cauchemars.. J’aurais souhaité mourir d’abord, ca aurait ete plus simple

-It cant be, it has to be erased- les gens dans la rue me dévisagent, c’est vraie qu’il fait noir, il faut se coucher quand il fait noir, j’ai trouvé une grosse pot à fleurs, je me suis couché sur le ciment, j’ai regardé le ciel, j’ai demandé s’il vous plaît d'effacer, ou sinon d'être pieux avec moi et de me tuer cette nuit en silence.

Why did i dare??

Why did i dare to dream?

Was it childish , was it the young hope of a stupid heart?

Was it the hunger for a love that never came or the needing a family that was never there?

How dare I? An 8 year old child promised with my heart in my hand that one day I would get home, that one day everything would be worth it.

How dare did I imagine a world without violence and pain?

Why did i do that to myself? The belief that there would be something bigger, better for me?

I often wonder how? I Mean out of so many people, how were my dreams so big that they saved me.

I used to tell myself the story of the older me coming to rescue me, coming to hug me when i was crying in a corner, coming to take me home to Canada.

Blue skies and red leaves proceeded to pass by me, the magic of a land ruled by nature, the magical place where people actually cared about each other.

I promised that to myself, like a politician i had a big mouth, me and my story, my story of resilience, of will, me and myself being my own hero.

I dared cause i was ready to do anything to save myself, I dared cause I loved myself and I was just not willing to believe that my childhood was the life I deserved.

I dared cause i could.

I WAS FUCKING WILD TO DARE

I am still fucking wild

De-womanizing myself

Your smell is gone, your eyes are gone too. My brain could finally forget most of you, this time it didn't take 12 or 10 years, it will only take a few months.
I humbly let go of you and with you all or any hope I had of falling in love again.

I let it go like a helium balloon that was never mine.

In came resignation and the feeling that I will continue my life alone from now on, in came peace and also giving up on my child dreams of ever getting a family.
Not in this life anyway.

I then cut my hair, to be sure I am not attractive to any man, I changed my posture, I also changed my voice, cause the only authority figure or protective figure I want around myself is me.

Saying goodbye to a dream is easy after I know how expensive dreams can be.
I have no problem letting go now.

Now I get to be alone, and I need to train myself to survive well and learn whilst still alive, I then need to see anything of what reality offers with a critical eye and recognize my boundaries over all of the rest, recognize my pain catch it and see how much I can grow or learn from it.

People keep saying I will find someone, I wont.
Where in the world will a man with a stronger character than me will be, or a man with a similar kind heart, possibilities is all of those are dead already or attached to other women.

I know it because me being still here is some kind of weird phenomenon, some kind of mistake, I am not supposed to live a normal life, I finally got it, and this is my last chance before something else comes and takes me apart.

Erased any profile in dating sites, erased my pictures, stopped all of it.
I wont be an item in a purchase list of a man that capriciously needs me for sex or consolation, I wont be for anybody.

Last date I have accepted was yesterday, I will stop after that.
Dating is a no for me, meeting guys is a no, flirting is a no. sex is a no.

I  have been there, done that, I have nothing I can get from that. nothing left worth wasting my time on.

I will focus on myself, self realization, forgiveness, survival, what fucking ever, but not on anyone else. even if I destroy I will self destroy.

I will also avoid any attractive features, any flirt attitudes, or any opportunities to meet a partner, I wont waste my time anymore. I wont waste my golden heart anymore.