It gets lonely sometimes

Imagine a world where everyone thinks you are pretty cool but nobody really approaches you cause you seem to independent and sure of yourself (border too arrogant and self assured). A world where you are the one that represents the hero of many incredible battles that nobody thought you could win, but a world where you are not supposed to never ask for help.

I am a caring, loving human being with a superhero complex, and when I am not helping I am giving support, when I am lost I am then trying to learn, when I am broken I am trying to understand why.

But nobody tells you about it, everyone says it's worth it, to go against the odds and become whatever stronger than any of your fears, they tell you to grow over your pain, to surpass the impossible, but they don't tell you how lonely it can become.

For whenever I open my mouth and bits of my life go out, people look at me like if they were looking at a ghost, they didn't expect that to be my life, they did not imagine..

I am not supposed to have lived that, I am not supposed to have had such a long life at my age, and if I lived all that, how da heck am I looking “so average”..

So I dumb it out, I dumb it out so much all the time that everyone believes I am this happy person with an easy life that never saw anything relevant or hurting in her way.

I dumb it out, I will pretend I don't understand when people are using me because I care about them so I just let them be happy, I am in many ways a lot less sensible than most humans, so I will offer my services to friends and loved ones, wanna use me for fun? Go ahead, as long as I see you happy I'm good.

The ego that was supposed to be there to say: no!! You deserve better. That one kinda broke because who am I to deserve, after the life I got I am like already super thankful of being still awake every day, the deserving part is more for like humans like you, the ones who still see life in matters of simplicity (deserve and get things), that train is long gone for me.

So this is the me, all this women fighting for feminism and positive sexuality and this men fighting for recognition of their feelings and professional success, and then there is me, I'm not a woman, I am barely human still, I won't fight any battle for I was born loosing it all, accepting I will never be important for anybody or close to anybody either, aint that such a beautiful lesson to learn in early childhood? Is not I am even a martyr, for that pain never brought me anything, but a weird sense of comfort that came from years of being in peace of being a nobody, Mr nobody.

I don't deserve, I don't fight, I don't reclaim, I am not one to ask for anything, I am still alive, that suffices me, that marvels me!, I shouldn't even be here anymore. Is just, in all this dumbing it out, it gets extremely lonely.

Then again, asking you to see me for myself would be almost a crime, I never want any of you, my beautiful little humans to suffer, never. You will get the bits of me who are normal, cute, happy, inspiring, interesting, etc. You wont get nothing that hurts from me.