What I need and what I should be doing

It's absolutely hard for me to recognize the difference from what i need and what I “should” be doing, I used to dictate this so easily, for my life was always based on my dreams and ambitions, that was the should, and I always convinced myself that I didn't need anything else apart from my beautiful basket of dreams.

When I finally achieved most of it, the joy I was expecting never came, a promise of fulfilment never really came true, and my life felt like this suspended moment between who i was when I had dreams and who I became when I got them, I didn't become who I was supposed to become, I didn't ended up winning the final battle, I didn't get to feel full or content.

Now after the realization that that part of me had to go, I find myself lost in a big limbo of what I should be doing, there is no “shoulds” left, and the needs, well that's even worse, when you kinda gave up on everything you don't need, you just adjust to the present and live

A human being who was composed by wanting and wishing now doesn't really exist in my own definition of myself, I am more like an “occupied” space that I’m renting before I die.

The feeling is immense and somewhat fulfilling, the nothing, the stop of the desire, the end of a road because there is nowhere to go.

But then I get this “urges” of what I don't want of what I hate, and those are loud and clear, like big screams in my head, NOT THIS, please NOT THIS. So I ask to myself: what then?

And as I look at myself in the mirror with astonished eyes of desperation, my little voice answers:

-Nothing then, nothing, I don't want anything, I don't want nothing-

So I get ridiculously mad, I try to find a way, a person, a human with characteristics, and instead I am this gigantic limbo that spreads in a never ending reality that can't be put into any closed concept.

What should I be? What should I do? Where should I go? What do I need? After 30 years and I have absolutely no answer to that for the first time in my life.