De-womanizing myself

Your smell is gone, your eyes are gone too. My brain could finally forget most of you, this time it didn't take 12 or 10 years, it will only take a few months.
I humbly let go of you and with you all or any hope I had of falling in love again.

I let it go like a helium balloon that was never mine.

In came resignation and the feeling that I will continue my life alone from now on, in came peace and also giving up on my child dreams of ever getting a family.
Not in this life anyway.

I then cut my hair, to be sure I am not attractive to any man, I changed my posture, I also changed my voice, cause the only authority figure or protective figure I want around myself is me.

Saying goodbye to a dream is easy after I know how expensive dreams can be.
I have no problem letting go now.

Now I get to be alone, and I need to train myself to survive well and learn whilst still alive, I then need to see anything of what reality offers with a critical eye and recognize my boundaries over all of the rest, recognize my pain catch it and see how much I can grow or learn from it.

People keep saying I will find someone, I wont.
Where in the world will a man with a stronger character than me will be, or a man with a similar kind heart, possibilities is all of those are dead already or attached to other women.

I know it because me being still here is some kind of weird phenomenon, some kind of mistake, I am not supposed to live a normal life, I finally got it, and this is my last chance before something else comes and takes me apart.

Erased any profile in dating sites, erased my pictures, stopped all of it.
I wont be an item in a purchase list of a man that capriciously needs me for sex or consolation, I wont be for anybody.

Last date I have accepted was yesterday, I will stop after that.
Dating is a no for me, meeting guys is a no, flirting is a no. sex is a no.

I  have been there, done that, I have nothing I can get from that. nothing left worth wasting my time on.

I will focus on myself, self realization, forgiveness, survival, what fucking ever, but not on anyone else. even if I destroy I will self destroy.

I will also avoid any attractive features, any flirt attitudes, or any opportunities to meet a partner, I wont waste my time anymore. I wont waste my golden heart anymore.