First kiss = Schrodinger's cat kinda love

I love the blissful state that you encounter after a really good date, the brain somehow gets all hyped up, it’s a Schrodinger's cat kinda love, you don't know it it's there, if it will exist or not, is a non existent/existing state of a cheerful brain.

Call me stupid, call me hopeless, I still believe that first kisses actually devoid a lot of detail on a person, and I still believe that some of them come with aspiration in them.

Now let's be realistic, it is just a first encounter, I don't even know this person yet, I don't know anything of how bad this all can get, but goddammit doesn't this ignorance let space for a hopeful unknowing state where everything is still possible.

Young love, young dreams, young morning of a beautiful day full of pink breeze, I live for the thrill of a nonsense inch of hope, of wanting, of wishful thinking.

Reality may be there tomorrow, but let me decorate mine however I want it, and in mine there is flowers everywhere, first kisses symbolize the forever innocence of a young heart and faith is never sealed for those who dare to believe in impossible.

My stars are diamonds that shine from afar, my smiles are connected to you thinking of me, our link together may as well never work but god will I enjoy it, will I enjoy the actual moment of wishful thinking.

No expectations, who needs expectations when I can feed so much from just the possibility, a never actual reality of a world where I get a first kiss that changes everything.

In the end this is not about you and me, there is not “us” just yet, but this is about myself allowing me to be just a complete dumb crazy innocent young little human again, is about myself forgiving my own virtue of daydreaming.

It gets lonely sometimes

Imagine a world where everyone thinks you are pretty cool but nobody really approaches you cause you seem to independent and sure of yourself (border too arrogant and self assured). A world where you are the one that represents the hero of many incredible battles that nobody thought you could win, but a world where you are not supposed to never ask for help.

I am a caring, loving human being with a superhero complex, and when I am not helping I am giving support, when I am lost I am then trying to learn, when I am broken I am trying to understand why.

But nobody tells you about it, everyone says it's worth it, to go against the odds and become whatever stronger than any of your fears, they tell you to grow over your pain, to surpass the impossible, but they don't tell you how lonely it can become.

For whenever I open my mouth and bits of my life go out, people look at me like if they were looking at a ghost, they didn't expect that to be my life, they did not imagine..

I am not supposed to have lived that, I am not supposed to have had such a long life at my age, and if I lived all that, how da heck am I looking “so average”..

So I dumb it out, I dumb it out so much all the time that everyone believes I am this happy person with an easy life that never saw anything relevant or hurting in her way.

I dumb it out, I will pretend I don't understand when people are using me because I care about them so I just let them be happy, I am in many ways a lot less sensible than most humans, so I will offer my services to friends and loved ones, wanna use me for fun? Go ahead, as long as I see you happy I'm good.

The ego that was supposed to be there to say: no!! You deserve better. That one kinda broke because who am I to deserve, after the life I got I am like already super thankful of being still awake every day, the deserving part is more for like humans like you, the ones who still see life in matters of simplicity (deserve and get things), that train is long gone for me.

So this is the me, all this women fighting for feminism and positive sexuality and this men fighting for recognition of their feelings and professional success, and then there is me, I'm not a woman, I am barely human still, I won't fight any battle for I was born loosing it all, accepting I will never be important for anybody or close to anybody either, aint that such a beautiful lesson to learn in early childhood? Is not I am even a martyr, for that pain never brought me anything, but a weird sense of comfort that came from years of being in peace of being a nobody, Mr nobody.

I don't deserve, I don't fight, I don't reclaim, I am not one to ask for anything, I am still alive, that suffices me, that marvels me!, I shouldn't even be here anymore. Is just, in all this dumbing it out, it gets extremely lonely.

Then again, asking you to see me for myself would be almost a crime, I never want any of you, my beautiful little humans to suffer, never. You will get the bits of me who are normal, cute, happy, inspiring, interesting, etc. You wont get nothing that hurts from me.

Ok Coopid and the online romantic endeavours

Let me be your fantasy, you ecstasy and your hope, I will be the perfect girl for you, want blonde? I can do that, want smart?: don't even ask, want dumb: well i was expecting that ..

Come and check the catalog where you will find me, i'm on the first pages and have detailed illustration of what you'll be buying if you have an uncomfortable date with me and we both pretend we are not just two desperate strangers searching for love.

I have all this media to prove I am real, I have invented this character of myself, my Facebook says I am a super successful happy human being and I have friends who make funny jokes that only “we” understand.

Come and check everything I eat on Instagram, I even have some deep quotes about how positive and mellow i am about life, and look how pretty everything around me is, there is no hunger, no racism, no poverty or wars, #Instaperfect world

Ask me what I do for a living, I have to talk about my job, because nobody else does anything else for a living, living=job.

Who am I as a person doesn't matter cause all I can give belongs to this profanity of capitalistic world that makes us take life roles and believe we are successful.

Send me a smiley with a kiss, get romantic with me on text, we both know you are scared to death of intimacy on real life but hey, let's give this app an opportunity, you can hide your cowardice to have real relationships behind a cool guy attitude, I can hide my forever broken heart with a little emoticon.

Lets be “not dating” cause oh my god that’s too much of a commitment, let's not be anything, not even two people who want to fuck, because even that would imply some kind of obligation and lord forgive i may get attached to you, cause of course I am a woman, and women only want love and men only want sex. (That's it, there goes the explanation of centuries of male/female interaction that could have existed )

I am gonna go to that first date with my usual dialogue, as you will, and if we don't like each other (who would have guessed, on the internet we were perfect for each other!) we’ll look at our telephones rather than accepting how dumb and how full of shit we were creating that over sugar coated profile.

We can both pretend that we are both well adapted human beings who love being always positive, always mature about relationships (or always coward dare I say), then make me wait for your texts and answers on whatsapp as if I was some kind of dog dying of hunger waiting for a fucking bone you throw at me every so many hours.

Make a sum up of our first date, and pretend you are not so interested in having sex. Sex being this lame impersonal piece of shit of you moaning at my ass while grabbing me and coming before you even touched my breasts, so so sad, I felt like a fleshlight for a moment there (you looked more like a horny dog against a leg), but hey, doesn't matter, what wouldn't an #instagirl do for love, and imagine all my girlfriends screaming when I tell them the success story of us finally having sex

.

And If I like sex, tell me I am a whore, cause only whores like sex (and even dare to ask for orgasms!), and if I tell you EXACTLY what I want then cry like a child cause “i am too much”, for a woman is supposed to be quiet and subtle in her feminine signs of liking you not to emasculate your small penis that you call your pride.

Oh such a Romantic place we are on now and what a time to be alive!