What it could have been

This song, listen while you read

The other day I dreamt about you, you were holding me and kissing me in the forehead, you were there with me, we were in holidays, you looked absolutely beautiful, you were smiling under your sunglasses, the window curtains floated with summer air and you looked at the sky from the balcony, the day was ahead of us.

I was completely and absolutely happy, I remember holding your hand and walking through the streets, it was amazing, you were smiling so nicely, you were in peace.

I woke up and realized I was lonely in my bed, it's 6 am and I need to head out for work, outside it was gray and snowing and you leaving hit me, you and everyone else that left me hit me, it felt like a whole trailer that run over me, I cried a bit and nausea took over me, I went to the toilet and tried to vomit, I couldn't have left, it was not true, this couldn't be, this couldn't be my reality.

We were just so happy, oh my god I felt protected and loved, I was so happy, how could life be like this, how could i lose it like that, just by opening my fucking eyes.

Consciously knowing i was going to be late to work I went back to bed, I closed my eyes and covered my face with the covers, tried to gain composure, my hands got tight, it was not happening, I was not coming back, there was a mistake, I was home with you, I was so happy, it's completely inhuman.

The sound of the snow machines outside kept pulling me back, this is your reality, this is what you got to work with.. I haven't got anything else.

I felt like a concrete wall hit me and broke into my poor naked body, I felt the weight of years and years of disappointment and loss, I didn't dare to move as it all hit me, pourtant, I know the pain well, I know the loneliness well, but god all mighty the “what it could have been’’, that, that is the one killing me.

I guess we could all have been someone else, we could all have been happier, or sadder, i guess I could have been loved, I guess anything is possible.

I closed my eyes again, pretended to feel the warmth of your arms, remembered your smell? That sweet smell of when I used to put my head against your chest and listen to your heart.

A wave of immediate pain hit me, what if I loose your smell?, what if I never dream of you again?, those are all the things I still have that make me feel protected. I realized is all gone anyway and one day my memory will fail me, one day I won't have your image anymore.

I standed up and went to work, let my cynical me win the battle and accepted it again, this is the part of the cake I got, it's not my favorite one, it's not anything I wanted but I may as well enjoy it while I eat it, and love is not included, you neither, it's just me, and my occasional dreams that give me joy.

But god all mighty what we could have been, angels would have lost their wings, we could have been wonderful

You in sunglasses looking at the sky and a white shirt touching your beautiful pale skin, your dark hair a bit sweaty and wet, you were making jokes with your ice cream, I laugh, then I looked at you and I found home, you were home.

Only one, yes, as always

Listen to this

I read somewhere that there are some people that you never get over their loss, you are just meant to continue living, just a little bit emptier.

I guess that was the case when you left, cause when I read that phrase I could finally have some peace at you leaving, this tradition of people leaving in my life has proven a strong one.

And now at my 30s when I choose people so well, that when they leave as usual, its so painful that it can knock me down on my knees.

I also read that when you meet a soulmate your world feels peaceful and quiet, I remember that feeling, I got it the first time I saw you sitting nervously waiting for me, I knew exactly who you were from the moment I saw you.

Whatever happens at least I got to meet you, I guess I am lucky because of that.

A little bit emptier I walk with my hands on my pockets down the rising sun after that fucking long ass winter that almost killed us all again, I am thankful for the sun touching my little face, and as I go to places and buy tickets the person often says:

Only one?- Then look at my face and see me smiling and laugh uncomfortably -Oh ok-

-It is as always: only one- I smile disgusted by the question

Yes, I have been drinking coffee alone in the shops since I am 16, only one, only me.

But with me I carry your caresses, your moans, your beautiful bad jokes, I carry a life of loving in France, I carry a saviour that became an angel when I was 17, it is all have, my memories of the three of you, and my amazing way of losing each one, one after the other, categorically, magically, awfully letting me every time without air to breathe.

I have to admit the three of you surprised me when I saw you that first time, indeed every time I felt some kind of peace that my heart never imagined could exist. Also each one was absolutely beautiful, my soul felt an immediate connection, I felt redeemed by touching you.

Then if we see it that way, 3 times I was the luckiest woman in the world, at least for a week or two, *laughs*, I can't complain, I have been eerily touched by 3 enormous hearts

But now I get my: only one?. Yep, it is called surrendering. Only one it’ll be.

Im too old to get my dreams, and you well, you all have a one girl you can protect, and that is obviously the right one for you.

I don't need protection, I am the right one for nobody cause I am too strong, too wild, too free, by my side you all three felt just numbed cause : hey I am just like you, but stronger.

And of course you need to feel needed, I don't need anyone, I learnt not to need never.

I am my one who protects me and hugs me by night when I cant do it anymore, I am the one who stops me from jumping, I am my the one, I am also the strongest human being of my age I know, and of course self protecting and capable of anything I want.

But guess what? I am 3 times emptier now.

Whatever happens later nobody knows, I cannot belong, I cannot have a home or a family, I did not find “love”, but the statistics said I should have killed myself a long time ago or at least be fucked up and drugged in a corner of a crack house,

So hey, Im fine, Ill be fine, there is nowhere else to go.

And maybe Ill get my little family next life, when of course I'll see all of you three again, cause hey, what are soulmates for if not for passing by and saying hi

Indignation

Listen to this

While my boss was fiercely screaming at me in Spanish, I was laughing in my head at the possibility of something so trivial affecting me after the life I've had, and then something happened, something quasi magical.

In those spanish Mexican screams I heard my mother, I was transported back to my childhood, I could feel my eyes going away and I started trembling, I remembered her raising her hand with uttermost pleasure to hit me really hard. I remembered the pain in my little body, the sweat and the trembling my body did when I knew I was going to be hit without mercy.

While my boss continued with her debate of unanswered emails I started trembling, I could see my mother going at it again and again until her arms were tired of hitting, I felt her arms being heavy and gross, wet of sweat, me with my hands over my head and going to my knees in pain because my strength was not enough for keeping me standing.

I wanted to help my mother so much, I wanted to stay standing up so she could hit me harder and take out all her pain on me, I wanted her to feel free and relieved after all this. I loved her so much, I loved my parents so much, I always put them first, I never thought about me.

My boss continued saying that she couldn't stand..

I always thought as a child I should have stand up by myself, tell her or him to stop, hidden, ran, protected myself instead of just putting myself out there for getting hit (¨putting myself ¨said they were forcing me to stay but I never even try to escape)

My boss finally finished, everyone had face of something awful being happened, I was supposed to feel bad and hurt so I pretended to be offended and left the scene.

While I walked by I started laughing at my luck, I was safe, in an office, with a home, with friends who loved me, the things are so different now, I was smiling.

Then I noticed, there is no way, there was no way to defend myself, she was so strong, she used to call me to go to the toilet downstairs and close the door, said: quiet, or it will be worse.

And then she was making it, making herself mad again, saying again and again why I didn't deserve her as mother, how good she was, what a piece of shit I was, how I could never be as good as my brothers, how she had to deal with me.

And her hands, so hard, like rocks, every hit, sometimes she ever brought instruments, different things, the worse one was a cloth hanger, I remember that motherfucker burning my poor naked skin, that time i even tried running, she chased me happily and cornered me in the room, then hit me harder because of not respecting her need to hit me.

I then suddenly realized: I couldn't have, there was nothing.. I couldn't do anything, I finally realized, all this years after, i could have not stand for myself, it was not my fault.

God it was not my fault, i just wanted to survive, I was so scared of them killing me, I was so scared.

This morning I woke up feeling different, I finally understood, nothing could have saved me, not even myself.

And the indignation I feel now for my boss being unfair I should have felt about my parents, I

should have felt that, all this guilt, all this years, and I never really had the right feeling.

A child should never be used for their parents to vent and discharge their frustration.

I even wonder if I was really helping them by letting them hit me and insult me, they looked peaceful afterwards indeed, but they were relying on hurting me more and more every time they got mad.

One day when I was 17 my dad raised his hand for the last time at me, we were in the car, I grabbed a car club and told him in silent whisper: -touch me once again and I'll murder you- I have never seen him so scared.

That day he decided to hit me cause I wanted to buy books and the remarks I did made him feel dumb in the bookstore in front of everyone. He couldn't stand portraying that image.

Last time she hit me I was 14, -I didn't answer the cell phone, I ignored her to hurt her, she felt humiliated, specially because a stupid little girl thought she could do that to her- she said, I was at a party and couldn't hear her calling me for the 4th time that evening (in 2 hours), she waited for me to arrive home and when i opened the door she punched me in the face so hard that I felt and my earring was snatched from my ear and started bleeding.

As I came downstairs she said: what did you put in your mouth to feign that blood you stupid?, there is no way I hit you that hard for you to bleed, I answered : you did, you are a fucking monster, that's why my father doesn't love you.

She never touched me again after that.

I am indignant, you should have never hurt a child, you shouldn't have had me if you didn't want me, you should have cleaned that fucking floor yourself, you should have seen a therapist and control your anger, you should have left your husband who made you so full of anger and regret, you stupid son of a bitch, you both, fuck you both, I was just a child.

And today I am doing the only thing I can do, communicating, taking this out to the world, for all the children out there who are suffering in silence, and the adults they became, for all of us who feel broken and indignant, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US DESERVE LOVE, and what you went through shouldn't make you ashamed, its not on you, its on them.

I forgive my childhood self, she did everything she could.

Thank you, and bye

Marlin