Only one, yes, as always

Listen to this

I read somewhere that there are some people that you never get over their loss, you are just meant to continue living, just a little bit emptier.

I guess that was the case when you left, cause when I read that phrase I could finally have some peace at you leaving, this tradition of people leaving in my life has proven a strong one.

And now at my 30s when I choose people so well, that when they leave as usual, its so painful that it can knock me down on my knees.

I also read that when you meet a soulmate your world feels peaceful and quiet, I remember that feeling, I got it the first time I saw you sitting nervously waiting for me, I knew exactly who you were from the moment I saw you.

Whatever happens at least I got to meet you, I guess I am lucky because of that.

A little bit emptier I walk with my hands on my pockets down the rising sun after that fucking long ass winter that almost killed us all again, I am thankful for the sun touching my little face, and as I go to places and buy tickets the person often says:

Only one?- Then look at my face and see me smiling and laugh uncomfortably -Oh ok-

-It is as always: only one- I smile disgusted by the question

Yes, I have been drinking coffee alone in the shops since I am 16, only one, only me.

But with me I carry your caresses, your moans, your beautiful bad jokes, I carry a life of loving in France, I carry a saviour that became an angel when I was 17, it is all have, my memories of the three of you, and my amazing way of losing each one, one after the other, categorically, magically, awfully letting me every time without air to breathe.

I have to admit the three of you surprised me when I saw you that first time, indeed every time I felt some kind of peace that my heart never imagined could exist. Also each one was absolutely beautiful, my soul felt an immediate connection, I felt redeemed by touching you.

Then if we see it that way, 3 times I was the luckiest woman in the world, at least for a week or two, *laughs*, I can't complain, I have been eerily touched by 3 enormous hearts

But now I get my: only one?. Yep, it is called surrendering. Only one it’ll be.

Im too old to get my dreams, and you well, you all have a one girl you can protect, and that is obviously the right one for you.

I don't need protection, I am the right one for nobody cause I am too strong, too wild, too free, by my side you all three felt just numbed cause : hey I am just like you, but stronger.

And of course you need to feel needed, I don't need anyone, I learnt not to need never.

I am my one who protects me and hugs me by night when I cant do it anymore, I am the one who stops me from jumping, I am my the one, I am also the strongest human being of my age I know, and of course self protecting and capable of anything I want.

But guess what? I am 3 times emptier now.

Whatever happens later nobody knows, I cannot belong, I cannot have a home or a family, I did not find “love”, but the statistics said I should have killed myself a long time ago or at least be fucked up and drugged in a corner of a crack house,

So hey, Im fine, Ill be fine, there is nowhere else to go.

And maybe Ill get my little family next life, when of course I'll see all of you three again, cause hey, what are soulmates for if not for passing by and saying hi