What it could have been

This song, listen while you read

The other day I dreamt about you, you were holding me and kissing me in the forehead, you were there with me, we were in holidays, you looked absolutely beautiful, you were smiling under your sunglasses, the window curtains floated with summer air and you looked at the sky from the balcony, the day was ahead of us.

I was completely and absolutely happy, I remember holding your hand and walking through the streets, it was amazing, you were smiling so nicely, you were in peace.

I woke up and realized I was lonely in my bed, it's 6 am and I need to head out for work, outside it was gray and snowing and you leaving hit me, you and everyone else that left me hit me, it felt like a whole trailer that run over me, I cried a bit and nausea took over me, I went to the toilet and tried to vomit, I couldn't have left, it was not true, this couldn't be, this couldn't be my reality.

We were just so happy, oh my god I felt protected and loved, I was so happy, how could life be like this, how could i lose it like that, just by opening my fucking eyes.

Consciously knowing i was going to be late to work I went back to bed, I closed my eyes and covered my face with the covers, tried to gain composure, my hands got tight, it was not happening, I was not coming back, there was a mistake, I was home with you, I was so happy, it's completely inhuman.

The sound of the snow machines outside kept pulling me back, this is your reality, this is what you got to work with.. I haven't got anything else.

I felt like a concrete wall hit me and broke into my poor naked body, I felt the weight of years and years of disappointment and loss, I didn't dare to move as it all hit me, pourtant, I know the pain well, I know the loneliness well, but god all mighty the “what it could have been’’, that, that is the one killing me.

I guess we could all have been someone else, we could all have been happier, or sadder, i guess I could have been loved, I guess anything is possible.

I closed my eyes again, pretended to feel the warmth of your arms, remembered your smell? That sweet smell of when I used to put my head against your chest and listen to your heart.

A wave of immediate pain hit me, what if I loose your smell?, what if I never dream of you again?, those are all the things I still have that make me feel protected. I realized is all gone anyway and one day my memory will fail me, one day I won't have your image anymore.

I standed up and went to work, let my cynical me win the battle and accepted it again, this is the part of the cake I got, it's not my favorite one, it's not anything I wanted but I may as well enjoy it while I eat it, and love is not included, you neither, it's just me, and my occasional dreams that give me joy.

But god all mighty what we could have been, angels would have lost their wings, we could have been wonderful

You in sunglasses looking at the sky and a white shirt touching your beautiful pale skin, your dark hair a bit sweaty and wet, you were making jokes with your ice cream, I laugh, then I looked at you and I found home, you were home.