Do we deserve to be happy?

Three days ago I sat in a bench and looked at the blue sky, while this song sounded in my ears I realized how thankful and how happy I was with every inch of my living life, how amazing and beautiful every little detail is, from the singing birds to the blue of the water reflecting the clouds, from the grass embracing my feet to my hands feeling the perfect breeze of winter cold to remind me this is real, I am still alive, and its wonderful.

What is our relationship with happiness?

We spend our entire lives dreaming about the stars, the happy endings, the never having to cry again, at least some of us still do, the lucky ones who still keep hope.

But when it is about happiness, when it finally comes, when something outstanding happens we completely freak out by it.

Has happiness become so unnatural to us that we simply not know what to do when it arrives to our lives?

We feel like we don't deserve..

If you think hard about it this so dumb and and so religious on our part, is like we have some deed to pay before ever getting a reward.

Are we only deserving cause of having gone through hardship in life? why do we have to pay a price for happiness? Don't we all deserve to be loved and happy as our natural right of being alive.

I just want all of us to be happy, all of us to be loved.

Deserving or not, happy and unhappy passes through us in this beautiful dance that we call life, and mostly we can't really do anything about but to enjoy the show.

Yet we question, why us? What did we do? TO.. deserve..this.

Nothing, we didn't do anything, but by god we need to enjoy it, cause while we are questioning the "what's" and the 'why's" the time keeps passing by, and as nothing ever stays in life, this, this also shall pass.

So what a hell, let me enjoy, let me not think, let me be dumb, let me love this.

Lets all be dumb, let's all be content and full of love for everything, today I declare there is no deserving to be done anymore, let's just enjoy all together. No debt to pay, just hope

Marlin

About making mistakes in life

You can either see mistakes as two different things, either they're (the past) something you fucked up, or they are the future and then they become lessons to be used later.

But who am I to refuse lessons? when life so generously gives them in hand, go finding things that never belonged to me, and then, they're suddenly gone, well look at that.

Again.. (my own brain snickers as I say this)

Such a beautiful pain of knowing exactly where was the thing that i broke, where was I that I fell in the shit puddle, and where exactly I consciously took that decision to step in, cause my heart knows no better, and I never wanted to be one to impose myself shit “i should feel or not”

Maybe that's my problem and my blessing in disguise, instead of teaching things to my heart and acting with my brain (like most people who try to control their feelings all the time) I often try to learn the lessons from my own heart, the innate lessons that come from deep love and an existence.

The irony being of course that my own existence is of course a mistake, a guilty mistake of a catholic couple.

But back to the main subject, so..

I fell on my face, over again, this is what I do, and I don't even bother to look away in pain, for if I ever fall let me taste the floor fully, let me, because again this is my life, this is my fall, this is all I am, my will to own my own life.

So yeah I fucked up, and as the majority of my mistakes it comes from the pure belief of an innocent childlike soul who still believes in true love, rainbows and good will everywhere, this belief is so universal and beautiful that my mistakes end up tasting just like sweet candies.

It is my own present to myself to learn from failure

How can I? How can I not like it?

So long in my life I tried running from them, from my mistakes, trying so hard to be perfect, to be loved, to be invincible, then I notice I was trying all that because I didn't believe it was me who could deserve.

And then I stopped trying, I just decided to be perfectly myself.

And that perfectly myself has sweet ass mistakes, and a heart that never gave up, and a soul who even after all the pain and living my worst nightmares on flesh, a soul, that never ceased to believe that everything is still wonderful.

So yeah, bring those mistakes heart, I will savour them, I’m wise enough to do it.

Marlin

Dear happiness, dear joy: welcome back

Listen to this:

Dear Happiness:

May I never be too coward to recognize you when you look back at me, may me being always a giver and a believer, never a fighter or a defensive poor sour soul.

May the stars continue to be mine, and the chocolate to taste always that good.

I want to be complice of my own joy, I want to cherish it like I didn't know how to do it when I was younger, because I was too stupid to enjoy the present and stop fighting.

So let me swim in flower petals where the skies merge the ocean waters, let me spread my wings and fly like a magical creature in the night sky that promises always a never ending tomorrow

Dear Joy:

I’ll be quiet and watch, as I come back to life.

And after all those times I believed I was gonna die, let me just then be humble and thankful, for I am still there to enjoy the warmth of a kiss, the joy of amazing good news, the beautiful sharing of a sincere friendship.

And the delightful snow falling slowly in the window looks like if everything had stopped for me to finally be in peace.

Also to the one that left:

I want to be that dumb person that you never let me be, I want to be super happy, super fortunate, super in peace with the world, super loving, super connected to everything in an intimate manner

When the morning comes I want to be with myself, for I am my one and only and I’ll hug my big heart who came back to life in the most tender of light, the one of a hope of a dying girl.

No death has happened, I am still alive, so alive.

To myself :

Let me smirk and smile, dance in public places and draw hearts in the window of the bus, let me dance with strangers and hug people who feel alone, let me give love and smiles to everyone that needs one, nobody to be sad of my happiness, no one that “can’t stand it”, it is mine, it is inside of me, on my heart and my veins, it is my life, it is my soul.

I am gonna receive all this with arms wide open, for when pain came I did the same, when loneliness talked I listened too, I am not afraid of it, it is all mine now.

Now believe me, I know it will be maybe over soon, but just as sadness was over one day, I will live it, I will dance with it, I will sing to it I will kiss it on the lips, I will swear that this smiles are my true love, and that this hope is the real me, because this time I am not kidding, so many years later, I am happy again

Marlin

The audacity of being human

Listen to this while you read :

The audacity of being human

There is not a "no risk" path for being alive, it includes tears, love and falling in your face altogether, it is painful, miserable, full of joy and also some crippling deception and fear.

The eventail of being a human ranks from murderers to heroes, moms giving their unconditional love and soldiers torturing and killing whole families, there is some people praying to be saved and others praying to find love, we are all a bunch of complex universes inside a little planet that can hardly sustain us anymore.

Sometimes in my long reflexion of every possibility of human existence I get so overwhelmed and scared that all I want to do is run and hide in a dark place where no one can reach me, it is frightening, how much the world can be awful sometimes and wonderful as well.

Then I remember when I found you, when I found all of you, from tender smiles and hugs to incredible advise, and women I admire fervently because of their strength and incredible beauty, men that go against every gender or role to just be the utter most human and faithful to who they are, incredible humans I work(ed) with, I am friends with or I have the privilege of dating or loving.

So many of you trying to save the world, all this people, the pretty colleagues who make me laugh and keep me safe, the friend who I can call at 12 am, the ex husband who even in pain talks to me cause we will never stop loving each other, the guy who plays his ukulele at parties and makes us all sing, the feminist who fights for equiality every day, the transexuals who finally found themselves, the boss who was human enough to cry with me, my sister who never leaves me alone, my best friends who laugh of me and with me, and a couple who is so in love that is inspiring in so many ways, all of you who keep helping causes that are considered lost, all the others who gave me their hand when they saw me in my worse.

Then I notice how connected we all are and I love you all, all of you, so badly, I enjoy with your happiness and achievements, I want everyone to be absolutely happy. I feel absolutely happy to be part of this forever achieving race and full of loving creatures around me.

I notice your audace, how you risk all your heart for what you want, how you believe in better tomorrows, how you try to raise your children the best you can, I notice how you are brave even when you were bullied I notice how you try to be better every day, I noticed how you believe in love no matter how, how you sing with your whole soul and your blue eyes, I notice how you want to everyone and maybe don't even find time for yourself, I notice how you forgave me and now call me your friend even when nobody believed we could be friends, and I am filled with hope because of that, I notice how even the death of a loving person did not destroy you, all of you are inspiring in so many ways.

I am so thankful for all this amazing people in my life, I feel like I've won the lottery for still being here with all of you, even when it involves all this risk.

This risk of being human

The momentum in the relationship..

“I don't wanna lose the momentum in the relationship” says a guy in the TV, the phrase sounds deep on me.

Time has always been a mystery for me in life, for we talk about a concept that basically exists in our brain to give continuity to things and to give us certainty that we are here: now.

What makes a moment the right moment? Is there such a thing like a magic fairy of the moments that sprinkles this “now moment” with something that makes it shiny and valuable?

Aren't we living the wrong way trying to chase timing and momentum in life ? I mean aren't we missing the main thing happening in front of us because of searching for that perfect moment? Isn't this fucking clear to everyone? Then why do we dumbly restart waiting for things over and over again?

The whole “now” is underrated if you ask me, and while some of you keep talking about who you are as a person or why are you a vegetarian (again), we should be here watching the beautiful color blue of the cup, enjoying the subtle sugar flavor in fried onions, or maybe just the fact that we are in a warm luminous place (completely built by other humans) as a snowstorm is happening outside.

Are all of our perfect moments just bullshit? I mean imagine, try to think about a perfect moment:

What came to your mind?

Because I am almost sure you imagined a perfect world where everyone loves you and smells pretty, and flowers, maybe like shinny and beautiful things around, the beach, a first kiss, being rich?

Does some of that comes from Hollywood, from the magazines or the publicity?

Is that really yours?

Is any moment in time really ours?

Sometimes I feel in a life long tunnel where I don't exist and I exist everywhere at the same time.

I don't wanna lose momentum in life, but, I think I already lost it a long time ago.

Even though I can certainly talk about  an almost “perfect moment”, for example when I finally climbed on the top of a mountain and “light my fire” of the Rolling Stones epically came in the shuffle of my music, then I felt like a *rock-star superhero of a dark soul heartless crazy woman who came to be killed by the mountain and conquered THAT epic monster.*

Song here

Anyway, lots of times in my life I felt time was actually mine, even in deep sadness, but I don't think I ever got that “momentum” and I don't think I would want that kind of pressure never for any part of my life, it just all sounds so "prefabricated" and claustrophobic to me.

What I need and what I should be doing

It's absolutely hard for me to recognize the difference from what i need and what I “should” be doing, I used to dictate this so easily, for my life was always based on my dreams and ambitions, that was the should, and I always convinced myself that I didn't need anything else apart from my beautiful basket of dreams.

When I finally achieved most of it, the joy I was expecting never came, a promise of fulfilment never really came true, and my life felt like this suspended moment between who i was when I had dreams and who I became when I got them, I didn't become who I was supposed to become, I didn't ended up winning the final battle, I didn't get to feel full or content.

Now after the realization that that part of me had to go, I find myself lost in a big limbo of what I should be doing, there is no “shoulds” left, and the needs, well that's even worse, when you kinda gave up on everything you don't need, you just adjust to the present and live

A human being who was composed by wanting and wishing now doesn't really exist in my own definition of myself, I am more like an “occupied” space that I’m renting before I die.

The feeling is immense and somewhat fulfilling, the nothing, the stop of the desire, the end of a road because there is nowhere to go.

But then I get this “urges” of what I don't want of what I hate, and those are loud and clear, like big screams in my head, NOT THIS, please NOT THIS. So I ask to myself: what then?

And as I look at myself in the mirror with astonished eyes of desperation, my little voice answers:

-Nothing then, nothing, I don't want anything, I don't want nothing-

So I get ridiculously mad, I try to find a way, a person, a human with characteristics, and instead I am this gigantic limbo that spreads in a never ending reality that can't be put into any closed concept.

What should I be? What should I do? Where should I go? What do I need? After 30 years and I have absolutely no answer to that for the first time in my life.