That first kiss

Listen to this :click before starting reading

That first kiss that defined the whole reason why humanity still has my hope some days, your lips over mine, your heart pounding in your chest like a dragon who has just been woken up, your sweet fingers in my waist, your breath pulling the air our of mine like if you owned it, your deep eyes completely lost in desire, and the whispers, we both knew, we both knew this type of kiss, could never be beaten, by anyone else. Never.

The whole person I became after is just inspired by the same type of passion, I crave to have this again, I crave this type of abandonment, this type of passion and entire trust on someone, I crave the day that I fall in love so hard for life that everything will make sense without any words.

Just exactly how everything made sense when you looked at me and grabbed my hand.

Some people believe in saints and gods, me, I believe in love, I believe in passion, I believe that any pain could disappear when I found you and you left me speechless cause I recognized you, love can transcend lives, centuries, can define a whole era of humanity, loving that way: is what makes the rest worth it.

For the road is definitely not easy, the apples are often rotten once you bite them, the skies are gray often, people keep dying of hunger, the flowers keep dying on empty vases of non caring souls, but that kiss, that first kiss, left even the stars without glow.

That moment made me wonder, made me wish, what if we ? what if we decided to dream? What if there was no limit to me and what i find beautiful, what if I could make love to life the way that we did it that unforgettable night?
What if the secret to happiness is to find someone as simple and truthful to himself as you were inside my own spirit. Your hands over mine, the underglow of the dawn, I remember the light in the sheets, you sleeping,

I felt somewhat forgiven, how could it be that I found you and I got to see exactly what a soulmate does, and how he does everything out of love, just like me, just exactly like me.

You kept saying you wanted to help, I know what you mean, I help every day, this is who I am, the one who helps. And yet seeing someone else do the work, someone else carry this so magnificently that it shone, so humble, yet so important.

This is it, we don't get a second chance you and I, nevertheless I will be forever touched by every second, by every lesson, by every moment you made me feel it all made sense.

I am then so happy, so so happy.

Erase it, erase it now

-Please erase it, please please erase it-

Je marchais dans les rues de Paris, et je répétais à voix haute

-Erase it, it will be erased- je répétais en anglais car pour moi c’est la langue des tripes.

Et aussi parce que je voulais pas que les francais me voient comme ca.

En quelque minutes ma marche a duré des heures, je me rappelle que mes chaussures qui étaient vieux on lâche et a la fin j’avais un trou.

Je  répétais sans cesse: -erase it, erase it, it's gonna disappear-, des fois je criais, des fois je murmurais à moi même . Ca doit être effacé, c’est qui s’est passé ne devrais pas s'être passe.

Avec mes chaussures trouées après quelques heures que suis rentre a un Decathlon, j'ai donc finalement arrete de repeter et j’ai gardé le silence:

Peux être si je venais aujourd'hui je pourrais faire comme si j'étais une cliente normale, une journée normale, une personne normale, qui est aimée, qui n’as pas vécu c’est que je venais de vivre, ils ne savaient pas, pour eux j'étais juste la fille joyeuse qui est venue acheter des tennis en couple, j'étais pas ceci, cette chose cassé d'aujourd'hui.

J’ai acheté de chaussures pour marcher des longues distances, j’ai comme decide de marcher jusqu'à effacer ce qui m’etait arrivee. Donc voilà c'était logique, j’allais me protéger mes pieds jusqu'à que je trouve comment effacer, comment revenir dans le temps.

J’ai paye 79.90 Euros pour mes chaussures, j'étais inquiète pour nos économies de couple, je ne dépensait jamais comme ca pour moi même toute seule, l’argent était pour notre avenir, pour nous, nous sommes de la famille..

Un bruit acide et aigui rempli mes oreilles, comme si j’avais entendu craquer quelque chose a l'intérieur de moi, de la famille. J’ai arrêté de respirer et j’ai senti comment mon corps tombait au sol, puis je me suis appuyé contre un mur. Le bruit devient plus aigu.

-Alors on va effacer- -I erase this, everything is gonna be alright, i will erase it, this will disappear, i erase, i erase this and it wil be all ok, i will erase it-

J’ai recommence ma marche, mes pieds me faisaient mal, j’avais mal, j’avais froid et le soleil c'était déjà couché, je continuais a marcher, je répétais et répétait religieusement, je croyais avoir le pouvoir, je croyais:

-on m’avait pas dit que si l’on souhaite suffisamment on peut avoir ce que l’on veut?-

Alors moi je veux ca, je ne veux pas ce qui c’est passé donc j’efface.

Pourtant ca faisait pas mal, ca faisait pas honte, c'était juste comme un trou ouvert en moi, comme si la vie m’avait été pris de mes mais, et jeté à la poubelle. Je n'étais pas étrangère à la douleur, mais ca c’etais pas de la douleur.. -it wil be erased, i erase it, i erase this- ca c’etait plus grand que moi, plus sévère que la tristesse, plus horrible que le pire de mes cauchemars.. J’aurais souhaité mourir d’abord, ca aurait ete plus simple

-It cant be, it has to be erased- les gens dans la rue me dévisagent, c’est vraie qu’il fait noir, il faut se coucher quand il fait noir, j’ai trouvé une grosse pot à fleurs, je me suis couché sur le ciment, j’ai regardé le ciel, j’ai demandé s’il vous plaît d'effacer, ou sinon d'être pieux avec moi et de me tuer cette nuit en silence.

Why did i dare??

Why did i dare to dream?

Was it childish , was it the young hope of a stupid heart?

Was it the hunger for a love that never came or the needing a family that was never there?

How dare I? An 8 year old child promised with my heart in my hand that one day I would get home, that one day everything would be worth it.

How dare did I imagine a world without violence and pain?

Why did i do that to myself? The belief that there would be something bigger, better for me?

I often wonder how? I Mean out of so many people, how were my dreams so big that they saved me.

I used to tell myself the story of the older me coming to rescue me, coming to hug me when i was crying in a corner, coming to take me home to Canada.

Blue skies and red leaves proceeded to pass by me, the magic of a land ruled by nature, the magical place where people actually cared about each other.

I promised that to myself, like a politician i had a big mouth, me and my story, my story of resilience, of will, me and myself being my own hero.

I dared cause i was ready to do anything to save myself, I dared cause I loved myself and I was just not willing to believe that my childhood was the life I deserved.

I dared cause i could.

I WAS FUCKING WILD TO DARE

I am still fucking wild

De-womanizing myself

Your smell is gone, your eyes are gone too. My brain could finally forget most of you, this time it didn't take 12 or 10 years, it will only take a few months.
I humbly let go of you and with you all or any hope I had of falling in love again.

I let it go like a helium balloon that was never mine.

In came resignation and the feeling that I will continue my life alone from now on, in came peace and also giving up on my child dreams of ever getting a family.
Not in this life anyway.

I then cut my hair, to be sure I am not attractive to any man, I changed my posture, I also changed my voice, cause the only authority figure or protective figure I want around myself is me.

Saying goodbye to a dream is easy after I know how expensive dreams can be.
I have no problem letting go now.

Now I get to be alone, and I need to train myself to survive well and learn whilst still alive, I then need to see anything of what reality offers with a critical eye and recognize my boundaries over all of the rest, recognize my pain catch it and see how much I can grow or learn from it.

People keep saying I will find someone, I wont.
Where in the world will a man with a stronger character than me will be, or a man with a similar kind heart, possibilities is all of those are dead already or attached to other women.

I know it because me being still here is some kind of weird phenomenon, some kind of mistake, I am not supposed to live a normal life, I finally got it, and this is my last chance before something else comes and takes me apart.

Erased any profile in dating sites, erased my pictures, stopped all of it.
I wont be an item in a purchase list of a man that capriciously needs me for sex or consolation, I wont be for anybody.

Last date I have accepted was yesterday, I will stop after that.
Dating is a no for me, meeting guys is a no, flirting is a no. sex is a no.

I  have been there, done that, I have nothing I can get from that. nothing left worth wasting my time on.

I will focus on myself, self realization, forgiveness, survival, what fucking ever, but not on anyone else. even if I destroy I will self destroy.

I will also avoid any attractive features, any flirt attitudes, or any opportunities to meet a partner, I wont waste my time anymore. I wont waste my golden heart anymore.

The last I've got of happiness left

The way I long for you..

People seem to think whatever you wish with all your heart you can get, I used to believe that whenever you want something the whole universe conspires for you to get it.

Now I know that is not true.

It is not true because you are not by my side, and the whole universe knows that sometimes it is all i want, to be in your arms. When I want it I want it with all my heart.

Cause the way I long for you is probably in one of the purest ways that a human being can wish for something, every night when I am under the weather i put my head in my pillow and wish with all my strenght, and sometimes say it in loud voice: please please let me dream of you tonight.

The fact that my brain can still dream of you is one of my biggest consolations for being alive, I can still be happy somewhere, maybe in another universe, far from it all, but I can.

In my dreams you hug me and you kiss my forehead, your big eyes look at me with all the forgiveness I deserve and can never get, your big hands hold me against your chest.

Every part of my skin feels alive when you touch it, just like it was when in real life.

You smile, and when you smile the whole sky becomes pink because it blossoms.

And whenever or wherever we are I just feel safe, I just feel like a reserved place of peace is given to me with your open arms.

I remember your hair on your forehead, I remember your smell, I am reminded of so much beauty and so much kindness.

I remember our conversations, I remember how you made me smile all the time, I remember your will to help everyone in the world. I feel surrounded by a tenderness and a sensation of being lucky beyond words.

Please please let me dream with you tonight, please, I could be so happy

My life is a never stopping everyday hell lately, it is OK cause I decided that hell is better than nothing, but in my dreams, in my dreams I can be in your arms, and I am so thankful, so fucking thankful I ever got to be with you, even if it was the smallest amount of time, you made me happier than I have been in more than 10 years, I am so thankful for you.

I am so thankful that I get to long for you.

I hope tonight I see you again, my last true happiness, the last worthy peace of my life.

What it could have been

This song, listen while you read

The other day I dreamt about you, you were holding me and kissing me in the forehead, you were there with me, we were in holidays, you looked absolutely beautiful, you were smiling under your sunglasses, the window curtains floated with summer air and you looked at the sky from the balcony, the day was ahead of us.

I was completely and absolutely happy, I remember holding your hand and walking through the streets, it was amazing, you were smiling so nicely, you were in peace.

I woke up and realized I was lonely in my bed, it's 6 am and I need to head out for work, outside it was gray and snowing and you leaving hit me, you and everyone else that left me hit me, it felt like a whole trailer that run over me, I cried a bit and nausea took over me, I went to the toilet and tried to vomit, I couldn't have left, it was not true, this couldn't be, this couldn't be my reality.

We were just so happy, oh my god I felt protected and loved, I was so happy, how could life be like this, how could i lose it like that, just by opening my fucking eyes.

Consciously knowing i was going to be late to work I went back to bed, I closed my eyes and covered my face with the covers, tried to gain composure, my hands got tight, it was not happening, I was not coming back, there was a mistake, I was home with you, I was so happy, it's completely inhuman.

The sound of the snow machines outside kept pulling me back, this is your reality, this is what you got to work with.. I haven't got anything else.

I felt like a concrete wall hit me and broke into my poor naked body, I felt the weight of years and years of disappointment and loss, I didn't dare to move as it all hit me, pourtant, I know the pain well, I know the loneliness well, but god all mighty the “what it could have been’’, that, that is the one killing me.

I guess we could all have been someone else, we could all have been happier, or sadder, i guess I could have been loved, I guess anything is possible.

I closed my eyes again, pretended to feel the warmth of your arms, remembered your smell? That sweet smell of when I used to put my head against your chest and listen to your heart.

A wave of immediate pain hit me, what if I loose your smell?, what if I never dream of you again?, those are all the things I still have that make me feel protected. I realized is all gone anyway and one day my memory will fail me, one day I won't have your image anymore.

I standed up and went to work, let my cynical me win the battle and accepted it again, this is the part of the cake I got, it's not my favorite one, it's not anything I wanted but I may as well enjoy it while I eat it, and love is not included, you neither, it's just me, and my occasional dreams that give me joy.

But god all mighty what we could have been, angels would have lost their wings, we could have been wonderful

You in sunglasses looking at the sky and a white shirt touching your beautiful pale skin, your dark hair a bit sweaty and wet, you were making jokes with your ice cream, I laugh, then I looked at you and I found home, you were home.

Only one, yes, as always

Listen to this

I read somewhere that there are some people that you never get over their loss, you are just meant to continue living, just a little bit emptier.

I guess that was the case when you left, cause when I read that phrase I could finally have some peace at you leaving, this tradition of people leaving in my life has proven a strong one.

And now at my 30s when I choose people so well, that when they leave as usual, its so painful that it can knock me down on my knees.

I also read that when you meet a soulmate your world feels peaceful and quiet, I remember that feeling, I got it the first time I saw you sitting nervously waiting for me, I knew exactly who you were from the moment I saw you.

Whatever happens at least I got to meet you, I guess I am lucky because of that.

A little bit emptier I walk with my hands on my pockets down the rising sun after that fucking long ass winter that almost killed us all again, I am thankful for the sun touching my little face, and as I go to places and buy tickets the person often says:

Only one?- Then look at my face and see me smiling and laugh uncomfortably -Oh ok-

-It is as always: only one- I smile disgusted by the question

Yes, I have been drinking coffee alone in the shops since I am 16, only one, only me.

But with me I carry your caresses, your moans, your beautiful bad jokes, I carry a life of loving in France, I carry a saviour that became an angel when I was 17, it is all have, my memories of the three of you, and my amazing way of losing each one, one after the other, categorically, magically, awfully letting me every time without air to breathe.

I have to admit the three of you surprised me when I saw you that first time, indeed every time I felt some kind of peace that my heart never imagined could exist. Also each one was absolutely beautiful, my soul felt an immediate connection, I felt redeemed by touching you.

Then if we see it that way, 3 times I was the luckiest woman in the world, at least for a week or two, *laughs*, I can't complain, I have been eerily touched by 3 enormous hearts

But now I get my: only one?. Yep, it is called surrendering. Only one it’ll be.

Im too old to get my dreams, and you well, you all have a one girl you can protect, and that is obviously the right one for you.

I don't need protection, I am the right one for nobody cause I am too strong, too wild, too free, by my side you all three felt just numbed cause : hey I am just like you, but stronger.

And of course you need to feel needed, I don't need anyone, I learnt not to need never.

I am my one who protects me and hugs me by night when I cant do it anymore, I am the one who stops me from jumping, I am my the one, I am also the strongest human being of my age I know, and of course self protecting and capable of anything I want.

But guess what? I am 3 times emptier now.

Whatever happens later nobody knows, I cannot belong, I cannot have a home or a family, I did not find “love”, but the statistics said I should have killed myself a long time ago or at least be fucked up and drugged in a corner of a crack house,

So hey, Im fine, Ill be fine, there is nowhere else to go.

And maybe Ill get my little family next life, when of course I'll see all of you three again, cause hey, what are soulmates for if not for passing by and saying hi

Indignation

Listen to this

While my boss was fiercely screaming at me in Spanish, I was laughing in my head at the possibility of something so trivial affecting me after the life I've had, and then something happened, something quasi magical.

In those spanish Mexican screams I heard my mother, I was transported back to my childhood, I could feel my eyes going away and I started trembling, I remembered her raising her hand with uttermost pleasure to hit me really hard. I remembered the pain in my little body, the sweat and the trembling my body did when I knew I was going to be hit without mercy.

While my boss continued with her debate of unanswered emails I started trembling, I could see my mother going at it again and again until her arms were tired of hitting, I felt her arms being heavy and gross, wet of sweat, me with my hands over my head and going to my knees in pain because my strength was not enough for keeping me standing.

I wanted to help my mother so much, I wanted to stay standing up so she could hit me harder and take out all her pain on me, I wanted her to feel free and relieved after all this. I loved her so much, I loved my parents so much, I always put them first, I never thought about me.

My boss continued saying that she couldn't stand..

I always thought as a child I should have stand up by myself, tell her or him to stop, hidden, ran, protected myself instead of just putting myself out there for getting hit (¨putting myself ¨said they were forcing me to stay but I never even try to escape)

My boss finally finished, everyone had face of something awful being happened, I was supposed to feel bad and hurt so I pretended to be offended and left the scene.

While I walked by I started laughing at my luck, I was safe, in an office, with a home, with friends who loved me, the things are so different now, I was smiling.

Then I noticed, there is no way, there was no way to defend myself, she was so strong, she used to call me to go to the toilet downstairs and close the door, said: quiet, or it will be worse.

And then she was making it, making herself mad again, saying again and again why I didn't deserve her as mother, how good she was, what a piece of shit I was, how I could never be as good as my brothers, how she had to deal with me.

And her hands, so hard, like rocks, every hit, sometimes she ever brought instruments, different things, the worse one was a cloth hanger, I remember that motherfucker burning my poor naked skin, that time i even tried running, she chased me happily and cornered me in the room, then hit me harder because of not respecting her need to hit me.

I then suddenly realized: I couldn't have, there was nothing.. I couldn't do anything, I finally realized, all this years after, i could have not stand for myself, it was not my fault.

God it was not my fault, i just wanted to survive, I was so scared of them killing me, I was so scared.

This morning I woke up feeling different, I finally understood, nothing could have saved me, not even myself.

And the indignation I feel now for my boss being unfair I should have felt about my parents, I

should have felt that, all this guilt, all this years, and I never really had the right feeling.

A child should never be used for their parents to vent and discharge their frustration.

I even wonder if I was really helping them by letting them hit me and insult me, they looked peaceful afterwards indeed, but they were relying on hurting me more and more every time they got mad.

One day when I was 17 my dad raised his hand for the last time at me, we were in the car, I grabbed a car club and told him in silent whisper: -touch me once again and I'll murder you- I have never seen him so scared.

That day he decided to hit me cause I wanted to buy books and the remarks I did made him feel dumb in the bookstore in front of everyone. He couldn't stand portraying that image.

Last time she hit me I was 14, -I didn't answer the cell phone, I ignored her to hurt her, she felt humiliated, specially because a stupid little girl thought she could do that to her- she said, I was at a party and couldn't hear her calling me for the 4th time that evening (in 2 hours), she waited for me to arrive home and when i opened the door she punched me in the face so hard that I felt and my earring was snatched from my ear and started bleeding.

As I came downstairs she said: what did you put in your mouth to feign that blood you stupid?, there is no way I hit you that hard for you to bleed, I answered : you did, you are a fucking monster, that's why my father doesn't love you.

She never touched me again after that.

I am indignant, you should have never hurt a child, you shouldn't have had me if you didn't want me, you should have cleaned that fucking floor yourself, you should have seen a therapist and control your anger, you should have left your husband who made you so full of anger and regret, you stupid son of a bitch, you both, fuck you both, I was just a child.

And today I am doing the only thing I can do, communicating, taking this out to the world, for all the children out there who are suffering in silence, and the adults they became, for all of us who feel broken and indignant, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US DESERVE LOVE, and what you went through shouldn't make you ashamed, its not on you, its on them.

I forgive my childhood self, she did everything she could.

Thank you, and bye

Marlin

For the one(s) who broke my heart

Listen to this while reading

If you have the privilege of breaking my heart:

Hey man, I'm glad you're there, that means you passed a serious selection that I allow myself to do for guys who approach me, probably also means you are an amazing human being, beautiful, adorable in unimaginable ways, and intelligent as fuck.

So congrats, not many arrive there. You must be a pretty special lad.

So it also means I trusted you enough with it, which is kind of a miracle after the fucking life I carry in my little wheels suitcase, looks light, my baggage, but it’s just because I know exactly how to handle it so that it is not heavy on me.

First of all thank you for being that incredible human being that captivated me, you must be something so that you got my attention, for also you should know there where you are, many illustrious men have been, all of them dreamers of an in incredible big heart.

Some things you may know: I am way stronger than what I look, and even if I was sensitive and loving that doesn't mean I don't know how to take a hit (Lol for the ones who can see the joke)

Also I will forever treasure out time together and repeat it in my head to learn lessons about myself, I find love to be an encyclopedia of your own self, so, I will probably re study us a few times until I become wiser.

And last but not least, I bounce back really quick, cause well yeah, I have lived, so I don't waste my time wishing for impossibles or missing things that weren't there.

Hey! I have precious things to do everyday, who is gonna take all those pictures of beauty, who is gonna sing in pajamas to Guns and Roses and dance around the house??
I need to be responsible adult!!

Also, if you regret breaking my heart, yes, you should, the kind of love I give is hard to find, but also you should, because I am betting we were wonderful together, I am betting also I enjoyed every second with you, and I am sure I loved every part of your body and every kiss you gave me, and every time I looked at you.

I never do things halfway in love.

Know this, I am so thankful all of that ever happened, and I will forever look at us with a smile, thank you for being in my life, and also don't be bothered, I have become quite an expert on walking away with a smile.

Beautiful kisses of goodbye

Marlin

Do we deserve to be happy?

Three days ago I sat in a bench and looked at the blue sky, while this song sounded in my ears I realized how thankful and how happy I was with every inch of my living life, how amazing and beautiful every little detail is, from the singing birds to the blue of the water reflecting the clouds, from the grass embracing my feet to my hands feeling the perfect breeze of winter cold to remind me this is real, I am still alive, and its wonderful.

What is our relationship with happiness?

We spend our entire lives dreaming about the stars, the happy endings, the never having to cry again, at least some of us still do, the lucky ones who still keep hope.

But when it is about happiness, when it finally comes, when something outstanding happens we completely freak out by it.

Has happiness become so unnatural to us that we simply not know what to do when it arrives to our lives?

We feel like we don't deserve..

If you think hard about it this so dumb and and so religious on our part, is like we have some deed to pay before ever getting a reward.

Are we only deserving cause of having gone through hardship in life? why do we have to pay a price for happiness? Don't we all deserve to be loved and happy as our natural right of being alive.

I just want all of us to be happy, all of us to be loved.

Deserving or not, happy and unhappy passes through us in this beautiful dance that we call life, and mostly we can't really do anything about but to enjoy the show.

Yet we question, why us? What did we do? TO.. deserve..this.

Nothing, we didn't do anything, but by god we need to enjoy it, cause while we are questioning the "what's" and the 'why's" the time keeps passing by, and as nothing ever stays in life, this, this also shall pass.

So what a hell, let me enjoy, let me not think, let me be dumb, let me love this.

Lets all be dumb, let's all be content and full of love for everything, today I declare there is no deserving to be done anymore, let's just enjoy all together. No debt to pay, just hope

Marlin

About making mistakes in life

You can either see mistakes as two different things, either they're (the past) something you fucked up, or they are the future and then they become lessons to be used later.

But who am I to refuse lessons? when life so generously gives them in hand, go finding things that never belonged to me, and then, they're suddenly gone, well look at that.

Again.. (my own brain snickers as I say this)

Such a beautiful pain of knowing exactly where was the thing that i broke, where was I that I fell in the shit puddle, and where exactly I consciously took that decision to step in, cause my heart knows no better, and I never wanted to be one to impose myself shit “i should feel or not”

Maybe that's my problem and my blessing in disguise, instead of teaching things to my heart and acting with my brain (like most people who try to control their feelings all the time) I often try to learn the lessons from my own heart, the innate lessons that come from deep love and an existence.

The irony being of course that my own existence is of course a mistake, a guilty mistake of a catholic couple.

But back to the main subject, so..

I fell on my face, over again, this is what I do, and I don't even bother to look away in pain, for if I ever fall let me taste the floor fully, let me, because again this is my life, this is my fall, this is all I am, my will to own my own life.

So yeah I fucked up, and as the majority of my mistakes it comes from the pure belief of an innocent childlike soul who still believes in true love, rainbows and good will everywhere, this belief is so universal and beautiful that my mistakes end up tasting just like sweet candies.

It is my own present to myself to learn from failure

How can I? How can I not like it?

So long in my life I tried running from them, from my mistakes, trying so hard to be perfect, to be loved, to be invincible, then I notice I was trying all that because I didn't believe it was me who could deserve.

And then I stopped trying, I just decided to be perfectly myself.

And that perfectly myself has sweet ass mistakes, and a heart that never gave up, and a soul who even after all the pain and living my worst nightmares on flesh, a soul, that never ceased to believe that everything is still wonderful.

So yeah, bring those mistakes heart, I will savour them, I’m wise enough to do it.

Marlin

Dear happiness, dear joy: welcome back

Listen to this:

Dear Happiness:

May I never be too coward to recognize you when you look back at me, may me being always a giver and a believer, never a fighter or a defensive poor sour soul.

May the stars continue to be mine, and the chocolate to taste always that good.

I want to be complice of my own joy, I want to cherish it like I didn't know how to do it when I was younger, because I was too stupid to enjoy the present and stop fighting.

So let me swim in flower petals where the skies merge the ocean waters, let me spread my wings and fly like a magical creature in the night sky that promises always a never ending tomorrow

Dear Joy:

I’ll be quiet and watch, as I come back to life.

And after all those times I believed I was gonna die, let me just then be humble and thankful, for I am still there to enjoy the warmth of a kiss, the joy of amazing good news, the beautiful sharing of a sincere friendship.

And the delightful snow falling slowly in the window looks like if everything had stopped for me to finally be in peace.

Also to the one that left:

I want to be that dumb person that you never let me be, I want to be super happy, super fortunate, super in peace with the world, super loving, super connected to everything in an intimate manner

When the morning comes I want to be with myself, for I am my one and only and I’ll hug my big heart who came back to life in the most tender of light, the one of a hope of a dying girl.

No death has happened, I am still alive, so alive.

To myself :

Let me smirk and smile, dance in public places and draw hearts in the window of the bus, let me dance with strangers and hug people who feel alone, let me give love and smiles to everyone that needs one, nobody to be sad of my happiness, no one that “can’t stand it”, it is mine, it is inside of me, on my heart and my veins, it is my life, it is my soul.

I am gonna receive all this with arms wide open, for when pain came I did the same, when loneliness talked I listened too, I am not afraid of it, it is all mine now.

Now believe me, I know it will be maybe over soon, but just as sadness was over one day, I will live it, I will dance with it, I will sing to it I will kiss it on the lips, I will swear that this smiles are my true love, and that this hope is the real me, because this time I am not kidding, so many years later, I am happy again

Marlin